It’s not that easy being green Richard Armitage…

Or blue for that matter.   I have been unusually melancholy for the last week or so.  Things that normally roll off me are really bugging me, things I usually want to do I’ve been putting off.  I do believe I’m having a rather mild case of the “midlife crisis.”   Although I may be a little young, (after all, my paternal grandmother lived to be 101, and her father 105) sometimes I can’t help but feel that my life is passing me by.  I had this really terrifying moment last week when I realized that decisions that I made fifteen or twenty years ago really do have the potential to define the course of my life.  A thought that some things, at least for the moment, in the current state of affairs, are set in stone.

Coupled with that revelation was a flare up of the terminal “bein’ green” syndrome Kermit describes.  A fear of not being special, of being always overlooked…of not being red or purple or some other color.  Basically, a fear of being me and not being enough for anyone or anything.   I think everyone goes through times like this…usually I shake it off and move along, but this particular flare has been stubbornly hanging around.  The impending shift from summer to fall only seemed to make it worse, but then something interesting happened…

I wonder if it's a coincidence that my vertigo returned shortly after seeing the film?

I wonder if it’s a coincidence that my vertigo returned shortly after seeing the film?

First, I went Into the Storm (account of our encounter is forthcoming) over the holiday weekend with my oldest and we had a great time.  It was his suggestion – he who calls me an “uncultured troglodyte” because I am not conversant in musical theater – you could have knocked me over with a feather!  Actually, he has become a bit of a sounding board for me on fandom related business…we have a sort of quid pro quo arrangement.  He will listen to me blather about Armitage related topics in return for having a live audience to relate the latest Dragon Age on dit to.  Although I now know waaaay more I need to know about the pending release of Dragon Age: Inquisition, and the resultant raging in the DA fandom (and also that Henry Cavill is a DA fanboy), the trade off is that my 16 year old seeks *me* out to chat!

Secondly, having come down with a head cold (which is probably more to blame for the vertigo than ITS 🙂  ) I was feeling pretty lousy Wednesday morning when I opened my email to find this from a friend who was in London:

email

I’ve been excited to see each and every account that has come in from people who’ve seen The Crucible in London, whether they were posted by strangers or good friends, but I’d be a giant liar if I didn’t admit that I’ve also been a little sad in spots that I’ll not be able to see what so many have described as a “must see” performance.   Even so, it brought a smile to my face and a tear to my eye to think that my friend would be bringing me along, if only in spirit!

So goes the mood altering mojo of a little Armitageworld intervention!  It also did not hurt to read the accounts of Monday evening’s Conversation in which Richard Armitage recounts a certain amount of trepidation at taking the role of John Proctor in the first place, and doubts in the midst of the run if he could continue to rise to the challenge again and again.

I don't think I'll ever get tired of this picture! Photo by Jay Brooks for The Crucible at The Old Vic

I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of this picture!
Photo by Jay Brooks for The Crucible at The Old Vic

He did take the role, he can do it, he does power through it performance after performance and he has apparently come to the realization that he’s not afraid anymore. That is something I need to consider.  Things that I thought were immutable…maybe not.  Maybe it’s just fear that’s stopping me from taking steps to move the stone.

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17 comments on “It’s not that easy being green Richard Armitage…

  1. jazzbaby1 says:

    You are indeed special, Obscura, but I hear you.

  2. I can relate to your feelings. You said it much better than I could have.

  3. NYCPAT says:

    Great post, Obscura. Love your honesty. Yes, we sometimes want to be superstars. To have everyone waiting for our next brilliant utterance or report on a rare event most won’t be able to experience. But really, we’re all part of the same whole. You are a part of RA fandom as much as someone who was at the convo or play. It’s just a different role. I appreciate this post of yours talking about it. You ARE a superstar to me!! You are expressing something a huge number of people are feeling!! Like me, whining about not getting a picture with RA at the SD. Really? When I had such a great experience seeing him in the play? Get a grip, Pat (Marie)! So get a grip, Obscura! YOU are a SUPERSTAR!! 😀 😀 Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. Gave me a lot to think about. Love that your son is connecting with you through his fandom!

    • obscura says:

      Thanks Pat! Those grips do get slippery from time to time…but just articulating it is somehow cathartic I think. I love that the hand holds on the way back out are just little things that bring big joy 🙂

      DA fandom…so much angst about elf – human affairs!

  4. linnetmoss says:

    I was touched by your story about connecting with your son through fandom. There must be few enough of those moments with a 16-year old!

    • obscura says:

      It is a glorious thing, but you’re right in thinking that it’s also pretty transient. This morning he screamed at me because *he* left his choir binder in my parents car and they were not at home when we stopped on the way to school to pick it up. *sigh* I’d better run…I have to track down my errant parents and deliver that binder to school lest the universe open up and consume him!

  5. guylty says:

    Now, finally catching up – with apologies for lateness. And some guilty conscience. I wish I had read this earlier and not been so involved in my own little world. Because I can fully understand what you are describing. I’ve been feeling pre-midlife crisis myself occasionally, and this whole thing about having freely chosen a path years ago that now seems to have turned into a round-about that you can’t get off from, is quite familiar to me.
    You know, even if a majority of us is green and we feel unspecial – your shade of green is still different from other shades of green, and it’s unique. Oh, and btw – it’s the colour of hope!
    Anyhow, it’s nice to see that you were cheered up by the little message. It was heartfelt. I think you are in many people’s minds – maybe more than you think!
    ❤ ❤

  6. Servetus says:

    I do feel like fandom has given me what you’re talking about, this feeling that everything isn’t immutable. The changes don’t happen as quickly as I might like but I feel supported in them both by the example of the crush and the people around me. So I hope it continues to do that for you.

    • obscura says:

      Me too..I think key to that is to let go of some of the angsty stuff and return to what originally motivated me. The angsters will always be around like a bad penny, but *I* determine how I react – or don’t…that’s key to maintaining balance and happiness for me.

      • Servetus says:

        Yes, yes! A very forceful lesson from the week in London, too. What do I want from this?

        Especially when i consider that I got into the mess I was in from before fandom by listening too much to what others wanted / needed, and embraced fandom as a way of saying and being who I wanted to say and be. Armitage is a good reminder of that.

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